I went to get some fireworks yesterday. And a 12 year old was helping bag up, and he asked the lady, Mrs. soandso, Do you know why we celebrate the 4th of July? She goes, Ask your father.  I said we celebrate it because we became a nation on the 4th of July. It is our Independence Day, from England. He goes oh! That’s right, and the lady says, yep, that’s why…

I am thinking not many young people actually know why, and our sermon today, said pretty much the same thing. He did research. I did not. I am going off of what I see around me.

There is very little respect for anything anymore. We are a society of money grubbing individuals. Money seems to be the main focus of our lives.

There seems to be little regard for moral growth. For a gain in the relationship with Christ.

In order to have a society that is able to handle the responsibilities that are going to be given them; we MUST change the direction of our lives.

I am so thankful for each and every soldier in unifom that has helped ensure our freedom. Their families that have went without them and other monetary rewards in order for them to serve.

I am also thankful for the 1 who saved each of us. THe Lord. He gave us Christ so that we can chose eternal life, though our devotion and acceptance of Christ.

Enjoy your Independence Day!

I, have had to learn, to let ignorant and evil people still breathe air. I am not in control of their inability to build up their brains, their hearts, and definitely not in control of their actions nor their souls. People can be so absolutely hateful and rude. I do not know why they continue to be allowed upon this earth. It would be so much nicer with them gone. They harm others with their remarks and petty behavior. It has no economic barrier, I have seen dirt broke, homeless people, be so callous and rude, I wonder how they receive any help for their situation. I have seen well off people, who should have known better, behave like baffoons to service people, that are only trying to do their jobs.

I would like a week of everyone trying to be polite, and kind! CAN WE GET A WEEK OF THIS? How much would this change our society as whole? No snobby pretenses, no arrogance, no conning, no pushy, no bossy, no assinine behavior at all! WOW< I  am looking forward to this!

]]> http://cunhvn.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/rudeness-can-we-please-not-be/feed/ 0 cunhvn http://cunhvn.wordpress.com/2010/05/05/dying/ http://cunhvn.wordpress.com/2010/05/05/dying/#comments Wed, 05 May 2010 03:47:18 +0000 cunhvn http://cunhvn.wordpress.com/?p=90 ]]> This last few weeks have been pretty hard on me. The stress that has become just an everyday occurrence, is taking its toll on me.

I should still be able to all the things that I could do without question.

The death of my body has been a slow lingering chapter that seems to never end.

In trying to prepare myself for this journey. I really have to spend time preparing others. That seems to be the hardest part.

I try to make our daughters functioning, responsible, citizens. People who can communicate their needs, wishes, and are able to resolve conflicts and issues that come up in our daily lives.

Unfortunately this seems to be a very hard task. The reason is because when I set a boundary, it gets trampled and I have to enforce the consequences. Then I get told: Just because you are dying doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me…. or I hate you, I hope you know that I don’t ever want to have anything to do with you…. or maybe you should go see a shrink, you really are insane…. Yep, thats what I get to hear out of our daughters mouth…. nice way to talk…

I realize that it is difficult to contemplate my death. It is very hard for me, so I can’t imagine what it is like for our children…

When I talk to my grandchildren about death… its mostly about how awesome heaven is going to be.

I dont dwelll on the fact that it could be awhile before I see them again, and that when I do see them, they wont be thinking of me the way they do now… It will all be different!

So, as I cut the ties to our daughters, and try to help them grow up, I guess I am going to have to endure that emotional vomit that seems to spew from her mouth.

UGH… I am so exhausted to day… I am hoping I sleep well…

There are no bouquets of flowers.
No “get well soon” cards.
There is boredom, tedium and loss.
Much is sacrificed on the altar of illness.

Slowly you watch them seep through your hands,
career, fulfillment and relationships.

Your priorities change,
Each aspect of life is gradually foreign to you.
Goals are altered by this uninvited visitor
who has taken up residence in your body.

How does one explain
what it is to live a compromised existence?

I don’t want sympathy
because it doesn’t have substance.
You can’t eat it.
You can’t take it to the bank.
It offers no comforting embrace.

Sometimes, sympathy actually whispers,
“Thank God it is you who suffer,
not me.”

Empathy is entirely different.
It reaches into the heart of the one who suffers
and soothingly comforts,
“I know what it is to feel what you are experiencing,
therefore you are not alone.”

Eventually, you learn,
if you cannot change your disease
there must be something you can control.
Your heart, your mind, your attitude,
these are still at your command.

You begin to search for joy
like you did as a child.
One day you hear the sound of laughter
and realize it is your own.

You stop wallowing in self-pity,
set the feet of your mind on a new course
as you realize time does not stand still.
Even half a life cries out to be lived.

Author Sue Falkner-Wood

They ended up giving me a shot of dilaudid. Never had it before, and it was actually only 1/2 of the normal dosage, because I had already taken all of my other pain medication as well as sleeping pills.

Well, it didn’t really kill the pain, but it took the edge off enough that I was able to get to sleep. So, I am grateful for that!

I really don’t have much else…

Good night…

There never seems to be a way to get away from everything. When you own 3 businesses, and have children with special needs, and of course our grandchildren… well, we babysit them most of the time so, we leave and there goes their daycare. Not an easy situation for any of us.

Randi is trying to get her learners permit, she needs to practice driving before she takes the real test, and she has not passed the last 2 times. She is bummed, but she is getting closer, she can only miss 5. She missed 10 this time, and last time it was 15. So! Hopefully when she goes back tomorrow, it will be only 5 or less!

Alex is having surgery Tuesday for her ovary that has blocked flow. They think she may have endomitriosis as well, and  if it is bad while they are in there, they will do a hysterectomy! UGH!!! I really hope and pray everything looks great other than the ovary!

Please continue to pray for her, and Randi….

Well, school is just about out for the summer here, I think there is about 6 weeks left which for Christian is only about 22 days I believe!

Faith will be starting school next year and is sooo excited about going! She will be a super star I am certain for her preschool class as she is soo smart already!

Elijah is getting better, he doesn’t seem to be talking alot yet.  I am sure he will pick up more as time goes by, walks early, talks late maybe? I don’t know, each baby is different…

Thats about all I got for now. I am resting while the kids are.

The pain Dr has upped my meds, not much, because I am not on strong doses. But its double what they were… Please keep praying that my disability goes through soon! Thanks

God Bless you all! Enjoy this beautiful weather that he has created!

All forms of sin lead to strongholds. They can be control issues, they can be lack of control. There is always that pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other that leads us to the stronghold that can overtake our lives. Guess who loves this? Satan does. He takes great pleasure in seeing us working so hard to cover up our pain, with whatever it is that has us feeling like we have everything under control.

Even our emotions are part of the control/un-control.

Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “ In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

2 Corinthians 2: 10-11 says, “If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

On one of the blogs, we are asked the following:

How often are you angered to the point that you yell, curse, or throw things?
never        rarely        sometimes        often
How often do you imagine yourself “chewing others out” or confronting them over something you are mad about?
never        rarely        sometimes        often
How often do you find yourself in verbal fights with others?
never        rarely        sometimes        often
How often do you find yourself rolling your eyes or arguing when your parents ask you to do something you don’t want to do?
never        rarely        sometimes        often
How often do you get in trouble at school for disrespecting teachers or administrators?
never        rarely        sometimes        often
How often do you hold resentment in your heart toward someone who has hurt you?
never        rarely        sometimes        often

Well, I am a grown woman, so I don’t roll my eyes at my parents, or disrespect teachers, but there are many times in my life that I have been on the often side of those.  When I became reborn, I thought maybe my short temperedness, and sharp tonguedness would go away.

I don’t know when these character defects became so evident to me, I think it was when my daughters told me that it really embarrassed them.

I never want to embarrass them, or anyone else for that matter. Even more importantly I don’t want to embarrass God, the one who loves me sooo much, that he let his only son die for my sins. No, I do not want to be representing myself, my children, my husband, my grandchildren, my parents, brothers, my family, as someone who doesn’t know how to control my tongue.

Am I ever going to be a subdued, docile, woman? In the past I prayed that God would make me like that. In fact, there were several women who seemed to effortlessly have all of this self control, when in my eyes they should have been screaming at the top of their lungs. They were calm, cool and collected, atleast in front of me they were.

What I have come to realize, and this may sound very cliche, God works in His time. I am better, a friend recently told me, that she couldn’t believe how much I had grown since I met her. I really had to take a look at myself, and although I didn’t pat myself on the back. I did acknowledge that God definitely had His work cut out for Him. When I decided to make Him, the center of my life, I went head first, like I do all things that I am passionate about. He became the love of my life, and I didn’t want anything to be separating us. I wanted to be so close I could feel his breath on my ear when he spoke to me. I wanted to feel his arms gently closing around my body when he comforted me from the sorrow and pain that I would certainly endure.

Now I know that without any doubt, my strongholds, are only God allowing me to become whom he wants me to be.

My health is not getting any better, in fact, it is getting worse. Today was a very big struggle to walk, to move any muscles was a concentrated effort.

I don’t know if it is MS, as the MRI said it was a possibility, but it would be very early stages. I wonder, is it just the RA and Fibro, the Spondylitis, or is it the worst? I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter anymore. When you have all of the “auto immune diseases”  that I have,  you become immune to the future prospects. I look forward to today.

That is all I know for certain that I have. Today.

Make your days count, love your children, and let them love you. Prepare them for what is coming, Jesus! Allow them to learn and grow, they are our most precious resources. I love my husband, our kids, grandkids, friends, and our families, nothing will ever change that. It grows, this love. As Christ’s love grows within me, I seem to be able to love others more freely.

I am determined not to allow strongholds to contain me, define me, control me, or dictate to me how I will behave, live or die. I will do all of those things on the command of My God!

I hope you will too!

A- God would never give us more than we can handle.

B- Today is the day the Lord has made, and we should rejoice in it! We should be glad for it!

C- The Lord is coming soon, so we should be looking forward to the everlasting.

D- We shouldn’t worry, that is not trusting in God.

I could go on and on, but when I start on this, I remember that Jesus had many rotten days, he just didn’t complain about it.

E- This too shall pass.

Everybody has issues, and I am not exempt from them, and unfortunately neither are any of the members of my family. So, we have problems, and I am almost always to blame for every single one of them. It is ALWAYS my fault in some way. I try very hard to only own what I KNOW is mine. What I have been involved in,  and somehow made some error in judgement, mouth, or perhaps action.

F- A fool never knows when to shut their mouth, and think… before they speak…

G- There is always someone who has it worse than you…

H- Do not forsake wisdom.

I- Keep your feet from evil…

J- Anger makes us very ugly..

I wonder what I can do, to eliminate the stress in my life? I can’t take the people out of it. Especially not family. I can set boundaries, and eliminate most of the contact. But it is normally better, to resolve the issues than to have them create a break.

Fractured relationships abound. Friends, family, co workers, business associates, neighbors, strangers, church family,  ministry workers ; it is rampant. It seems as though no one resolves anything anymore. It really is sad. We disagree, or are hurt and we walk away. Sometimes we try for long periods of time, and nothing gets resolved. So, there is a break in that relationship.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD.  That really is a big part of my desire.  To be acceptable in HIS sight! I don’t think I can ever measure up, well, I know I can’t, that is why we all have Jesus, to be forgiven.

Forgiven for the bad things that I have done. The sins of myself. There is a long list of them. Yet, there is still forgiveness. Forgiveness of all of those sins.

I don’t know if it is the guilt of my wrongdoings, but I have always been one to tally my sins, and try to redeem myself with good deeds. Like tit for tat. When I finally realized that asking for forgiveness, from HIM, once, is all it takes.

Well, I am done for tonight… I feel as though I have rambled on long enough, without really getting to the point of what I began with…

Good night!

Alex is working, Randi is working, so once we get daycare situated, I might be able to relax a bit…

Short post today, hope you all had a great St. Patty’s day… we dont celebrate it, but I know a lot do….

Spring break is almost over yeah!!!!

Good night!

As we were placing the robes on her to do the actual immersion, the tears started flowing. She was trying so hard to get control, and it was not working. So I grabbed a hold of her hands and I started praying for peace and calmness to come over her, so that she would feel the presence of the Lord.  I continued to pray and she started to calm and I could feel her relaxing. By the time I ended she was ready to go.

Then she got out to the baptistry area. She saw all the people and the tears then came again.  She made it into the baptistry, and Pastor Kerry, explained what was going on to the attendees, and he gave her a cloth to hold over her nose and mouth. He asked her :” Do you believe that Jesus Christ died and rose again for your sins, and that he is our God almighty?’ She said “YES I DO”!

Then the dunking, and then she was all smiles!!! What a smile! A smile that sad, YEAH< I overcame my fears, for my GOD! I am HIS completely!

As we were leaving she said she felt different. That she didn’t know quite how to define it. She said I just feel FREE.  Did I know that feeling? I told her that I did. She asked me if I felt that way after my baptism, I said no. It was before my baptism. I had been going through some Bible studies and personal growth classes, and one night, I came to know Jesus in a very intimate way. I realized that he loves me, loves me so intently and deeply, that he had this whole plan worked out for me, and you. To feel his forgiveness, to know I was a part of the family! To know, I was accepted! That feeling of heaviness was gone from me. The burden had been lifted. From forgiveness, love, laws, grace, mercy, hope, faith, growth, righteousness. All of it came together for me one evening, and that was my moment.

Everyone has different moments, when they finally get that feeling of relief, of the weight lifted off our shoulders. Sometimes it is a moment, sometimes it is a hundred moments, and then a reflection when you recall that , huh, I am HIS, really HIS, I don’t know when exactly it happened. But they can probably pinpoint a time period when they WERE NOT HIS.

Fortunately, Miss Randi is now His. Don’t think that I believe that baptism is a get into heaven card. It is not a requirement for that. I believe that it is a very important ritual that we observe in order to validate to ourselves, others, and more importantly to our God, that we are serious about being in His will. For it is HIS will that we all believe, and be baptized.

On another note we watched The Stoning of Soraya. This was based on a true story, and I am finding that this is still continuing. I am absolutely appalled by this barbaric treatment of human beings, let alone that most of the time there is no evidence, only lies, or exaggerations, manipulations… APPALLING!  But I will write another blog on this…

For today, I need to go to sleep!